Too much keen Observations

Many of you might have heard the proverb, “A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma” made famous by Winston Churchill. Well, that has nothing to do with this. Why on land of Samurais, Monks and Saints people do dates desperate way. I have no idea why people in this “modern era” chooses a date in coffee shops or bars. No seriously, I have no clue why they do such things. And for what. And how. And why. Why not choose library or even take a casual walk on some unknown road. Do not misunderstood here thinking about zoo or any garden. Just a simple long walk with meaningless and full talks. Why choose cafe to meet and do make yourself awkward towards crowd or even for a person itself. To show off?! We’re having date or something. Isn’t it too disturbing to date a person whom you like less/more love in a crowdy disturbing place, in a inappropriate amount of attention one person gives to another and vice versa which both doesn’t deserves in the first/crowdy place. Observed some people so keen that I can conclude a sentence that two people might feel awkwardest on their own marriage stage. Even their own marriage stage and all make that two people so awkward, what kind of people are they living with. More importantly, what kind of world we are living in.

There would be nice people and then there would be people like I don’t know what categories they belong to. And for all that ‘To the girl who let the nice guy go’ , ‘To the guy who let the nice girl go’. “Why do even nice people choose the wrong people to date?” All one can say is “We accept the love we think we deserve”. Meet someone new. Exchange numbers. Late night conversations. Question answer games. Ask out. Dates. Lose interest. Meet someone new. Exchange numbers. Late night conversations… and this loop didn’t stop till the person wants… they know the drill all too well, don’t they?! Maybe humans need a new animal above them on the food-chain. Why one should date many to make sure he is the one. Why one should date many to make sure she is the one. Why in hurry of need for speed or I should say speed for need. Let’s face it. The new dating definition for this generation is not so available that people start taking for granted. Not so unavailable that people give up on. Most of people haven’t been in love and don’t even understand what it is. For them, it’s a game that they think they know very well.

Some care about material things more. We can take example here of our parents, they fight like anything but in the end if any third person disturbs them by saying anything to anyone of them their blood starts boiling. Because they stick with each other and only for each other. It is that hard for them to think about third person actually. I know that sounds so ancient but truth is always like an old wine. Today in this era, one would rather have a gadget than a partner. Some believe in the “Let’s-end-this-before-it-gets-started” technique. Because people don’t have enough time for love and when they do, “It’s not the right time.” Maybe a little more time will let the dust settle, and let them convey the situation more meaningfully. Meanwhile do not give up on anyone easily when you can fight more gracefully. As they say “Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.” More accurately they say, “if you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads. Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

Observation might feel so awkward how I observed him so objectively!

Be careful to notice one thing, I’m writing this in a groupy group behind me, A random person offering me to let them pay for my coffee by saying the feeling of snehs won’t let me get her out of my mind ever. (Since I’ve no clue how they know my name in the first place) offer got rejected by saying I’m my own (The day is not far when a person is defined by how s/he treats someone once s/he says “NO” to him/her), meanwhile I’m dating myself with my laptop and cold coffee, Sun is doing his job as best as he can, a hush-hush of crowd all around me, A cute unknown kid and I are passing smiles without any reason, and right in the corner the two people are having their date. May be like “Doing masters and still bachelor or spinster (bachelorette)” (What?!) I noticed this thing last, If I’ve had noticed thing first it’d be different topic from what you just read. Not to forget pieces on how it’s easier and worthier to plagiarize this post than meaningful project, even a stupid tweet.

P.S.: I’ve no idea how such stupid topics comes in my mind also I have no (any) dating experience, expect I’m dating myself since I was born. I’m not even qualified to write about this topic. And No, this blog is not “girly”. AT ALL.

Remember, that proverb? Yes, that is how it goes… Although you have known some person for some time, you still have not been able to completely understand him/her. The case is more difficult than proverb in the female cases. Just trust me on this. Feel free to judge and read it again 😉

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Cli-mate Change and Childhood Cold

It’s that time of the weather when ice cream and popsicles mean a lot to our throat. The life savers in Summers! Just observing these kids in neighbourhood from a week now. The little kids are enjoying their childhood as those days when the icecreamwallas meant much more than anything.

The icecreamwallas arrive in neighbourhood with his box of ice cream rolling on small wheels accompanied by a ringing bell. His entry wasn’t as ordinary as it seemed to adult eyes. He was the star of the summer afternoon as kids would encircle him. His tiny customers didn’t know how to maintain decorum because some things were much more important than discipline. It is a matter of taste and (almost) crisis: Kids squabbling about one flavour over another was routine for a reason. Just like grown-ups silently wonder what to order at a restaurants, hotels, cafes.

One mini-sized heroine happened to be of the silent type so the noise wouldn’t make much of a difference to her choice. She knew what she wanted… for the most part, that is. She wasn’t fond of milk so white was out of question. She had tried orange a few days ago so it was not going to be orange again. She liked the plumy coloured one but she wasn’t really sure whether it’d be worth the bet. What if it disappointed her the way pomegranate disappointed her as a fruit? She couldn’t go back and demand another one, what a universal dilemma in small mind? The parental quota was restricted to just one. So chocolate flavour it’d be usually followed by her cute young triangular smug-face. Chocolate flavour has always a class in childhood. Isn’t it?!
Things you want to do, not just observe!

Exact direction please!

Hospitality in hospitalFinding your way around any Hospital isn’t terribly easy. Hates word easy and simple. They just not that easy or simple in any case. That’s just seems like any heart beats. Left and right and up and down and east and west and north and south and almost all direction. “hell yeah!” is the opposite of “heavens no!”, which gives you an indication of which side is more fun. Hospital is where you can’t say excuse me, do you have a minute to talk about living on a prayer? Also, don’t tell me you’re lost because of missing the direction at least you got missing direction. I’m just in the center. Center of attraction?! But lost in the round. Directionless? Well, that’s the hospitality of the hospital.

Deadly thoughts – The Sense of an Ending

I’m going to write things down for the sake of writing this. That way in a few hundred years when no one uses paper and they find my work they’ll think I was great. What if I’m dead, first thing first nothing will change. Absolutely nothing. Except few changes. There they goes. The first change will be noticed on my Twitter timeline! There won’t be any updates about what I’m thinking. The timeline will just pause. It won’t move ahead, just like that. No more sharing of stupid ideas passed off as wisdom or office-bashing lines or Just Saying tweets or (tech) news related links. Secondly my Facebook page will face the same calamity. I don’t know how my friends will react to this (since and currently I’ve none) because they will be having no idea that I’m in hell waiting for them!

About my virtual world and friends, maybe they will be left in the ignorance as there won’t be any worldwide networking of the news of my departure. It would be as silent as it was before I entered the Internet age and found myself a comfortable space among these people. But then, I guess and think they’ll give up on me. My Internet pals from world wide won’t come looking for me in Ahmedabad once I stopped tweeting or social networking! I guess Internet (could and) has been a super-duper success for anybody. Having a voice on Internet and don’t care whether it’s heard or not! Having a voice is what important. I don’t think anything comes close to the kind of passion having for “virtual world” which in fact, seems more genuine than the real world I breathe in.

I also wonder about the kind of effort I put in on updating my Twitter 140 space, Facebook profile. I mean, no one will do that for me once I’m gone. Thanks to Mr. Mark he gave me an option now! I also worry about my Twitter handle, I mean, who will take care of that?! “Oh my God, I searched for you on sites and you were GONE” mails are awaiting to some one see it. And also what will happen to this forsaken blog which is overwhelmingly forgettable, at the best! Basically, this is just another techie, geek kid who worry about what would happen when she leave the world as if it going to be stop after she left it.

I might be too young to comment on issues such as life & death on blog but from whatever books that I’ve reads, movies that I’ve seen and stories that I’ve heard one thing is for sure, nothing is predictable. Not even an internet era. We can’t treat life like a gift because gifts are always smothered and rendered useless.

However I know the fact, these are all speculations but it’s worthy. I don’t count my family or relatives here. They are the people who will arrange my funeral. But it’s still OK to rot too, right?! That’s due to the fact that they are not as dysfunctional as I would like them to be. You have to be on either end of the extremes to be mentioned in my blog! So they better be left out of my foretasted death scenario or something.

Last wish might be someone will vanish my presence from here too. On the other side, I just love life on Twitter, Facebook and here, not to mention several other sites where I regularly contribute my time. I’m an Internet addict, if that’s what you are pondering as of now and I wish to be this way till the sanity (or death…whichever comes first) takes over!

What’s next?

All of a sudden, some thoughts just visited mind and before they ditch me, its better I type them down; in no particular order.

Are you experiencing a kind of emptiness in your life? A kind of void space? The feeling of being the inspiration behind Aryabhatta’s discovery of zero! Like the whole world is moving with the speed of a Ferrari and your still stuck in the old, out of stock Maruti 400 that too in white color. Even every other girl or a guy roaming with their so called ‘soul mates’, and you still single or finding love in those typical, mainstream Rom-cons. If this was not enough, even the dumbest, ‘good for nothing’ creature in your arena starts looking like a C grade movie star. (But at least they have their own specific fan club!) Witnessing the buzz, the leisure and the glamorous life, and you doing nothing but sulk in your little mediocrity.

Being under the radar of every other elder in your family and neighbourhood’s aunties and uncles, trying to teach you sense out of their demeaning, not so important, never stopping time consuming talks, never-ending lectures. And necessarily only visiting your houses either for having the result-loaded laddoos or for the uninvited birthday treats or for the congratulating your parents on the stupidest thing. No block seems to fit in the already been solved puzzle. Like even the unanimated, immobile creature on the puzzle is laughing back at you. And you shouting, screaming, crying out loud at yourself… Oh god why me?!

Then you hear the voice which usually mentally challenged people used to do,

“Knock Knock…!”

“Who’s there?”

The other side replies with a devious little smile, “Oh you so don’t want to know…”

“I am the last proxy to your attendance, the final receipt to your canteen bill, the never again seen red marks on your answer sheet, the one who will take away your bunkers point, your last minute presentation making skills, the casual hie-five’s and not to forget the reason for the reduced trolls in gallery, the one who too weak to raise a good point, the one who sees blind people have beautiful eyes, and the one who only respond to those who are relevant to your rubbish! Well, I am your and only yours, stupid s-o-u-l! And yes, please carry on what’s in your mind?!”

“Actually, it really is that time when you see new humans around you weather it is in your college campus or even in your own world. No matter how you become WWE’s umpire during your skype when your friends starts criminal fight. When you see the newbies, just arrived first years’, you ask yourself ‘what have I done in the past years? I did have a plan right! Then what happened to that plan?’ And the answer to that is the plan got lost somewhere, while you were busy making memories with a bunch of so called idiots. And now these idiots seem to have become your life. The nothingness created with them in your lives is only thing that really matters.”

“Hey hey, what’s the matter be specific.”

“Trying to repair the damage and mend the little pieces they find in their way. Everyone is trying to roll on with their life, not knowing where it is leading them. Pretending to be sorted and painting a fake laugh at those seeming equally screwed. Taking these few days with sport and not letting the teary eyes flood. But what after this…. in which direction is your boat sailing to? Are you ready to step into the real world? To experience all those emotions instead of just sending them, to be the YouTube video and not the one increasing the views, to step out of that parental protective shield, to be this, to be that and what not! So I’m still a student of what’s next. Seriously, what next? No one really knows the answer. Although these little stunts might drool you over for some time, but the question still remains there itself… What’s Next? Do you know?”

“NO.” And that unknown voice goes where it belongs.

I seriously need purpose to live not just this stupidity. Irony is I’m posting this on the stupidest day in a year.

To those who think, I need to see a doctor. No, I don’t. I’ve seen more than enough of them. They are generally unkind, immensely capitalistic with minimum patience for what you’ve got to say about their patient’s stupid feelings or I should say never ending emojis. In fact, I should visit a shrink for my emotional problems but I won’t.  No, the point ain’t that I’m boring. The point is you’re yet to get used to it. Something is wrong with you. Not me. Okay. Be happy. With me too!

Untitled Natural: UN-thing

At an Orphanage Home and Old age home I found out that be happy whatever you get, no matter whatever it is at least you’re with your family and friends. Yes, these F words are far important than that one you’re thinking about.

Old age home and Orphanage home. What a strange distance relation words.
One for old wine and other for the fresh one.
One for old soul and other for the fresh one.
One for old blood and other for the fresh one. Oh, I don’t want to this so poetic. The lesson which I learned. And you could too!

When I was doing stuff on my laptop… Here goes, the conversation between me and them (that could open your eyes!):

An old couple: So what are you doing on that?
Me: Nothing. Just want to find something.
A Kid: You mean anything?
Me: Yes…
An old couple: Then wait, can you find a son or daughter on that?
A Kid: Can you please find good parents on that?

I was almost speechless after hearing that. I realized something on that exact moment. Don’t know what. But I actually do. I came home and I apologize to the parents for the fight we had last night. Not having my fault though. Some(many)times you have to say sorry or give up on the person (even on parents, friends!) so that you just don’t lose their believe, relation, trust, faith (many heavy words)… and what not; for the sake of arguments.

On a serious note: One more reason to hate you Google. I’d love you if you find this problem’s solution.

NO to blogging?

The trouble with maintaining a not that active blog is the need to write not that inactive post. Maintaining a blog has got its share of problems too. And trust me, its far more difficult than it seems. Needless to say, much of the blame must squarely rest on procrastination. If you happen to read my blogs regularly, you’ll notice me notice two things: One, you readers are in the minority and two, I’ve been writing about anything for a change, recently. The reason could be anything from different and lack of perception to laziness. But trust me, I enjoy doing so! Also, you realize you are not the same person you used to be when it comes to writing subsequent paragraphs.

I find it really hard to sit down and write a post and update it on a periodic basis. And the biggest problem is updating it regularly. I can’t even update and take my self seriously in the morning how can i do this thing called blogging seriously. Also it’s a funniest feeling to have thousands of ideas and wishing to write a piece on it as soon as possible but going blank as soon as you punch the keys down.

One more thing, I don’t understand why I bother to blog. I mean, I hardly have any attachment left with this thing. It’s a stupid blog after all. No one cares. Not even me. For a long while I was the only one who was reading my blog and now I’ve got some more people or so who at least have blog rolled me (out of sympathy, empathy it is!) but am pretty sure that they are happy that I don’t update my nonsensical posts!

Apparently, you are not at all excited about your post the way you were once upon a time. Not anymore.

Right now, the most important thing in life is focus on something important and idiotically I’m tweeting stupid thoughts and concerns on my timeline. Amazing. I wish I was passionate about blogging too. I don’t know what kind of creative creature I’m. Like I once read somewhere that Ruskin Bond dedicates certain part of his day to writing and nothing else and I started wondering how does he do that and that too on a daily basis. Maybe that’s why he’s a writer and I’m nothing! Heard about Khushwant Singh’s age-defying touch with pen the guy was 99 and never fails to write what he feels strongly about. And I’m young enough and still can’t able to think properly. My point is, why am I not doing something which could have been profession as some people said already. Don’t worry, I don’t know either.

Suddenly, you find yourself in a 140 character fix. In the Twitter era, you are busy scribbling one liners that sound funny enough to you, not with standing the fact that your followers are either sympathizing with your nonsense of humor or planning to kill you or silently cursing you. Oh yes, these are blatant excuses for not keeping up with laziness. If only you were a bit organized and a little less with balance, you wouldn’t have suffered of typing this useless piece. There are always hundreds of ideas in mind about what to write on but unlike before, you now don’t care to work on it. And you are failing to explore your writing skills.

Anyways, never mind these are my personal views about myself but I am glad that I was able to write a new post about it. So job well done for me. Unfortunately, can’t say the same about you reading this thing. Better luck next time, if at all, it happens. Trust me. It will. On a side note, I had a job to do. I had to update my blog. You see? I’m running out of ideas.

Memories

You know it’s time to write a blog post when you start typing random things and keep on deleting them. Today was one of those days. So, here I am. Okay nothing just stupidity here. If you don’t have occupied your time somewhere. Yeah then, you’re welcome to join me and my not-at-all-writing skills.

I was in this extremely boring wedding today so I was doing all sorts of shit to keep myself occupied. And entertained. Seriously hat’s off for the women who wears saaris and handle themselves smoothly. Of course I’ve received some good compliments for it. But it just not my cup of coffee. Handled myself very I was eating paneer tikka with noodles and I was mixing orange juice with tomato soup and seeing how kids are maintaining this social occasion with their parents’ never ending warnings and I was talking to the waiters and I was observing (yeah. As usual). I saw 14 years old were dancing, 18 years old were thinking about dancing and 35 years olds were breaking the stage with their devastating moves.

Also, I saw everyone clicking pictures with their fancy cameras while all this was happening. 70 year old grandparents were asked to put the tilak once again because somehow the photographers couldn’t capture the moment well enough the first time. And the grandparents were doing it too, with smiles, big fake ones. Kids were clicking pictures with the mobile of their parents’ mobile phones. Their parents had professional cameras. The professional photographers had the more professional ones. It was a circus. A complete circus. It seemed like the wedding was happening only for the photographs. They were capturing memories so that they could relive it. Relive, ah! To relive, you got to live first. Two blacks make white, two wrongs make right.

It’s funny how most of the memories of our lives depend upon a small piece of plastic and techie technology. If there were no cameras, I bet it would’ve been difficult recognizing ourselves in our childhood pictures because there wouldn’t have been any childhood pictures. If we think about it, we have invented things so that our minds don’t have to remember shit. No memories of your past? Invent a camera. Can’t remember data?
Invent a computer. Can’t remember meetings? Invent reminders. Can’t calculate?
Well don’t worry dear mind, calculators are there. And thus, our minds started getting less occupied.

And what do you do when you don’t have anything in your mind? You invent. You invent more useless shit to comfort your lives. For a fact, my family never had a camera. We never bothered to buy one. I don’t have a reason to get embarrassed. There are no pictures of my parents having fun with me. Because we’re actually enjoying it without the worry one should capture them instead we’ve had enjoy for real. And what’s the point anyway? You aren’t going to forget who you are or who your brother was or who your parents are! I never understood this whole thing but I’m no one to claim that it’s bullshit. Until today, I never gave cameras much of a thought.

I always knew, I got to buy one someday. I always wanted to. But now, I don’t think we really need a camera. I mean we do remember stuff. If we can’t, then the stuff was probably not worth remembering. The whole thing of smiling and crying and smiling again after seeing the old photographs looks somewhat odd and ridiculous. I might never buy a camera. I don’t want to capture my kids’ childhood. I don’t want to cry looking at the photographs when they would go away to earn or to study. I don’t want that shit. I don’t give a shit about what toys my girl played with when she was small. And I bet on my life, she wouldn’t give a shit either when she would be twenty. Capturing a picture of your girl playing with those toys and reminding her twenty years later about how you cared about her says a lot about you.

Well, I certainly won’t need validation from my kids. Also, I’m not saying that people do these things for validation. They might not. It might just be their thing to look at the old photographs and cry. Anyway, so when the wedding got over, we handed the envelope to the groom and got ourselves clicked, for one last time. We were getting ready to go back home.

One strange thing happened I think it waited for a long to happen. My parents saw this one woman trying to have a conversation with her little girl. The girl was around 10 and she was probably going back home from her school. It probably wasn’t a good day in the school as she looked upset. The sight was beautiful as her mom and dad was making faces, playing with her and what not, just to make their girl smile. Seeing this, my mom started crying. Some memories flashed in her mind, maybe. Memories. I wish there were a device to delete the memories instead of capturing them.

Point to be noted: I never accepted the fact that I was depressed until I met my psych.
so if you think you are in depression, go to a psych, start your medication, take them until you realize it’s a big trap and then come here and read this blog post again and blame your so-called mind for not taking this post seriously before. And get depressed again.
If you aren’t happy, don’t worry, no one is.

Hidden humans

Humans have this tendency to occupy things, to capture them, to keep them safe, to never share them. As the times have passed, these things have transformed into emotions. I was fascinated yet shocked by the realization that I don’t want to share my thoughts. I am scared of sharing the characters developed by me. Scared of validation? Maybe. Maybe something else. Maybe nothing there in the first place. I just don’t know it yet.

Maybe because they aren’t ready to come out yet. Or maybe because I am not strong enough to let them go. Once they are out, they can’t be with me. They will become a part of this world. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads them or not, loves them or not, but they won’t be the same for me, ever again. Amazing how we can become possessive about the smallest of the things or thoughts, but can let go our careers, our love, or even our freedom.

One thing is for sure, people who say that they aren’t insecure and that they don’t have any thing which they fear of losing, they are freaking kidding themselves. They’re lying with there self esteem. Even the smallest of the thoughts which we don’t share can become one of the biggest reasons behind the decisions which can change our lives forever. Never underestimate your emotions. Stolid is just a word. Stolid people don’t exist. It’s a theory by introverts-cum-ambivert to keep extroverts away.

Trust me, imagination is a bloody brilliant thing, and we should use it often. whether cows can get lung cancer by the smoke from your cigarette. Just go out and walk around and sit on that park’s bench and watch the oldies laughing and think how scared they actually are of dying.

The gentleman saw me smiling when all this was happening. After half an hour he came to me and told, “People will always judge your story, but they will never tell theirs, because they fear of being judged. Never in your life judge anyone before having the courage to tell your story to this world.” Of course all of this was in Hindi, and of course the guy was too drunk, but to think about it, he was right. No matter how bad your story is, or how weird your characters are, if you can have the courage to share them, you are doing at least one thing right. It’s not about how to share, or with whom to share, it’s just… Share.

I don’t have a any idea why I wrote this post, but you know what, it feels good. Pretty damn good.

Randomness

You know you’ve grown up when you start laughing at the random absurdities of life instead of frowning upon them. When you start anticipating weirdest of the shit to happen with you at the weirdest of the times, you realize how life has been messing up your plans since forever. Sometimes it’s suffocating, sometimes it’s hysterical and the rest of the times it’s just plain nothing. Nothing at all.

An abyss in which your choices echo till you scream your lungs out. An infinite in which you are falling relentlessly, opposing every force of this universe. A life which is a rock bottom in itself, and it keeps hitting you, till you feel numb. And sort of dumb. And then one fine morning, when you wake up from your slumber, you realize you’ve never actually slept. The years have gone by in front of your eyes, and you’ve let them pass. You have seen them passing and you remember every year, every month, every day, every minute and every second, every micro second, passing in front of your eyes; eyes which were wide open, dreaming about something which never existed in the first place.

You keep telling yourself lies until they become an integral part of you. You become the part of the world which you’ve created for yourself, and the strange thing is, you feel suffocated. In your own god-damn world. The reality acts as an oxygen mask, you’re in his ICU and no matter how much you hate it, you can never dare to remove it. You actually start seeing the pattern, you start predicting things, you predict them correctly nine out of ten times. And you know why you fail the tenth time? Because a small part of you still expect things to be how you want them to be. And when this tenth time gets repeated a thousand times, you realize the randomness.

You start being one of them. You stop being you, you become them. You become a particle. You become the randomness.

Sip of moments

One of those days when you want to just sit near your window and balcony with a cup of coffee and contemplate about your life.

When you want to just get over all your regrets and start things all over again, no matter how ugly your past was or how destructive your present is.

When you want to answer all the questions that you procrastinated upon earlier in the hope of getting answers as the time passes by.

When instead of doubting your abilities you take pride in them.

When you sit calmly with a clear mind and re think your goals.

When you ask yourself if not now then when?

When you give yourself the second chance that you deserve.

When you look at the trees and think how beautiful everything is and how it’s just the perspective that matters.

When you realize it’s never too late to start things all over again. And the perfect time to do that would be right at this moment. Now.

When you take the last sip of tea with a whole new perspective.

When you start being yourself.

One of those days. Such days don’t come often. Don’t miss out on them. Collect the inspiration, put some dedication, make your own tea. Life isn’t short. It’s damn long. Long enough to live every moments of it. And you deserve to live it with all the happiness. The unexamined life is not worth living. Actually, it is.

P.S.: I’ve never written this confusing for a while. Till then live with confusion. It’s damn curious feeling.

Farewell, not so well

Let’s just forget that we are just a freaking dot in this vast Universe. And continue. How can one possibly able to do justice with all those memories lived, just by writing one blog post? I would dare not. Hence, nothing of this is about college. Heh?!

Few more months and everyone will get busy with their own lives, own jobs, own careers. Sure everyone would promise to stay in touch but let’s be honest here, we all know how that would turn out to be. You want a quick proof? Just count the number of school friends that you are in touch with now? This is just another phase which gets repeated every year, only with different people. (Hope, the friends we made during this time will last longer through out the life)  We are growing up. All together. We are getting ready to face the world outside the door. We are becoming one of them. We are tying our shoelaces to go out there and find ourselves in the crowd.

All things happening way too fast. Some will survive. Rest will become particles. Particles which will ultimately reach the shore; not sooner, later. But isn’t the race all about to reach there faster? To earn more? To spend more? To become the king and queen of our own little king-queen-dom?  I have always been the one with a perspective different from that of the society. I always wanted to follow my passion (not that I know what’s my passion as of now).

I was one of those who had a dream to dream a dream which no one has ever dreamt before. And look at where I am now? (not that (even any school buddies) any of you know where I am now but I am using this sentence as a rhetoric to convey I am doing nothing great which was quite obvious yet I explained in this different font). I am not being pessimistic, just being honest. Brutally honest. If nailing one exam or getting a good job defines you and your status in the society, then brother and sister, that society is not worth living for.

My search for passion hasn’t stopped yet. It has just faded away. And I don’t even know why. Actually, I do. But I don’t want to admit. I don’t know how you are supposed to deal with such stuff. I’ve never been good at it. At times, I feel numb. At times, I explode. At times, I feel helpless, I feel miserable. At times, I pity myself. And at times, I don’t want to live. There’s a limit to everything. If this is life’s way of teaching lessons, I don’t want to be the student anymore. You’re beautiful. I’m beautiful. But truth is ugly.

Dear 2013,

Let’s be honest, 2012 was a bit of a disappointment. I mean, it was nothing like that ‘The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2’ movie. Relax, folks, if you can’t tell I’m kidding about that by now, I’m not sure what you’re doing still reading this blog.

All I’m saying is, 2012 was supposed to be a year of change. What changed? Not even our PM! I mean, thank God for that, but seriously! Okay, I guess I did change states… but I’m doing the same thing in 2013, so that sort of life event can’t be that huge.

2012 promised the world ending and it didn’t even deliver on that. So far, 2013, I have no expectations from you, so if you manage to let me down? Well, that would truly be a feat.
Sincerely your welcome buddy,
Sneha

Dear Subconscious,

How Hermione of me, right? Anyways, I was just hoping you had a little time to discuss some stuff? Who am I kidding, of course, you’ve got time. I’ve got nothing but time, and you’re stuck with me…(my bad or your good?) or, you are me… or whatever. Anyways, let’s get to the topic at hand. Dreams. Thoughts. I’ve had some weird ones. Correction, I’ve had a lot of weird ones, but last night’s?

Allow me to explain, dear readers. Last night, I dreamt that I was seeing that new Ryan Gosling movie he did with the director of Blue Valentine. I can’t remember the any name. So I get to the theater and settle in. Lights go down, movie starts up… it was two hours of Ryan Gosling eating babies. Now, I don’t think that’s actually what the movie is, but can someone please explain to me, why the hell I’m dreaming about eating babies? Like, that’s weird, right? Great, and now I’m hungry… not for babies. I’m, like, normal hungry. Definitely not baby hungry. I cannot emphasize how much I do not eat babies, contrary to what my subconscious would like me to believe. Thanks mind do mind your own businesses.

Hey subconscious same advice for you too! Ugh, I’m going to go pour a bowl of food.
Well played Subconscious.

Dear Nightmares,

We’ve known each other for, what, many years now? It’s been a while, that’s for sure. Hell, I’m pretty used to you by now. That’s strange thing actually. But last night? Last night marked a new low. I get a new dream, preferably one without clowns or needles.

Except last night… the dream started with a Albus Dumbledore – type figure as my college professor. No, the nightmare wasn’t about being in college. As the dream progressed, professor – wannabe was killing off students one by one in an effort to engage the class in his criminal psych class. It ended with him giving us all lethal injections because evidently we had never watched Scooby Doo before and none of us guessed that the creepy dude did it. Then I woke up.

Okay, not bad, but a little (Not that little girl!) weird… my next dream was that we were in his class again and he was up to his same dirty tricks, with slightly different methods of execution. I dreamed a sequel. More than that, I dreamed a shitty sequel that completely ignores the fatalistic ending of the first dream.

So here’s the deal, Nightmares. You keep doing what you do and I’ll cope with the sleepless nights, but no more sequels! I please you now! It’s right time to start a dreaming.
My Sleepless life,
Sneha

Dear Internal Clock,

On what time you’re running in my own body without even informing me? Exactly what kind of game are you running, madam? We need find time to talk about on this topic.
I mean, seriously, can we at least talk about this? I get it, you got to have a weekend schedule. Those 10AM – 5PM shifts would kick your ass otherwise. But somehow, I get through those just fine, don’t I? Why are you running on different time zone even you knowing the fact that you’re in India. When you finally get off work and get back home, of course you’re going to be crash.

But still waking up at 9 AM, like you would any other day? That’s just unacceptable. It’s called sleeping in. Those days you wake up at 9… well, it’s usually because you’re an old girl and went to bed at 2 the night before, but you need your rest! Or else, you know what happens? That’s right. You fall asleep on your date. Not like, during the date (although there are chances that may happen too…) but literally on your date. You’re lucky she just went with it… even if it was pretty mortifying. So maybe next time just sleep a little later instead of sleeping on some poor unassuming girl, eh?
On exact time,
Sneha

Dear Self,

Stop thinking at this hour. It hurts the next day.
I love you. You know I love you. Still, even love has its limits.

…well,
ME

P.S.: When our kids ask about how You/I proposed, this is going to make such a cute story!
P.P.S.: Yeah, I’ve pretty much embraced the crazy ME now… please don’t tell anyone I posted this on blog.

Dear Date with self,

Holidays Date with self yet again. We still have some time before we grab dinner on Saturday… basically, I’m just saying, there’s still time for you to cancel, if you want. It’s not that I’m not a great date (Okay, well, great may be overselling it…) but, well, dating just sucks.
Not even an opinion, that’s fact.

I just want to spare you pain of several awkwardly un-amusing anecdotes, a few minutes of forced laughter, and the inevitable struggle over the check. Spoiler alert: considering you’re the one with an actual paying job, I wouldn’t exactly hate it if you won that last one.
Then comes the parting. See, we’re meeting there, here, so we both go back to my vehicle, so at least that guarantees I don’t slut it up on our so called date-cum-loneliness, but… well, goodbyes are kind of awkward. I mean, they’re bad enough after a date, but then the added pressure of “public displays?”
I’m not a holiday kind of girl. Well, I mean, I love Summer holidays, but I was more referring to the generic month of December “season” that is just generally referred to as “the holidays” by the politically correct.

So I guess, thank you or whatever, for helping me find my holiday spirit, even though I’m sure I’ll lose it again when I want to go to a crowded public place again. I mean, that’s weird, right? Yeah, I think I’m officially over-thinking it… You know what? I really don’t see myself winning this one, so I’ll leave it with “see you Saturday”. It’ll probably end with a firm handshake, so let me save you the effort of over-analyzing. I’m sure you’re a nice girl, but anybody who would want to date the train-wreck that is my life? Alone? Yeah, that gives me pause… sorry. Until then…
At least I own my negativity and don’t pretend to be better than it. Enjoy the holidays!
Sincerely your own date,
Sneha

Dear dedicated Scientists,

Hey what’s up extremely sincere people. I do respect you. Like anything. I’ll be brief, since I’m sure you guys are trying to cure cancer or something. I just have a quick question for you folks… where, exactly, did we land on this whole time travel thing? Like, are we completely ruling it out? Probability? Possibility? I mean, there are a lot great uses for time travel. If you figure it out, you can go back in time and give people the cure to cancer earlier… although that might save a lot timelines… but it’d save lives!… or create a paradox that causes the universe to collapse in on itself.

Okay, I’ll be honest, I’m not asking about time travel because I’m eager to cure cancer (although that’s, like, a good cause or whatever, let’s get on that) or save the world. There was this awesome concert that I really wanted to go to in the early 2000s, but I wasn’t allowed since it was a school night. Yeah, my parents were those parents.

And I hate the part where, being people are named Moon! Speaking of which, 12 astronauts have been to moon so far. The last person to be up there was Eugene Cernan and this was way back in 1972. Which means nobody has been to moon in over four decades. Doesn’t that add to moon’s loneliness? Lastly, what’s the point of becoming astronauts nowadays when Mars in inhabited by robots and we’ve given up on our lunar missions?

Anyways, I was feeling nostalgic and since the band is broken up or whatever, my next best bet? Clearly, time travel. Anyways, if you guys could sort that stuff out and get back to me, I’ve been missing some persons from my youth… you know, pre-facebook era and pre-blog writers. Oh yeah, and I promise not to abuse time travel for my own personal gain or whatever… you guys are smart enough to figure out time travel, but still stupid enough to believe that, right?
At exact time,
Sneha

Dear Spider,

Damn, you live in my room without letting me even know? That’s just not fair dude. You’ve to pay rent to me for let-me-save-your-home. I even take few amount of rent from group of ants near your residency. Ask them? I may give you some discounts since you’re alone member. Does that seem fair? Have your lawyer look over the agreement and get back to me.
What no?!

See, I know we’ve been through some rough times (mainly that “some” time when I tried to crush you, but evidently I didn’t press hard enough because you totally crawled off when I lifted my book shelf) but I just want to put those times behind us. I mean, I think we both said some things we didn’t mean. Like, when I called you disgusting, all I meant was you’re… an acquired taste. Just like I’m sure you didn’t mean it when you, you know, existed. All I’m saying is, try not to hold a grudge. I don’t like to crush you because one day you might be made me Spiderwoman or something. And now, I think we could both benefit from putting this behind us.

Plus, if I die under suspicious circumstances, everyone will know that it was your fault… or the myriad of other people who probably want me dead…
This place is mine, so as my rules,
Sneha

Dear Work,

We’ve to make a deal now. Look dear (not that dear Okay?! 😛 ), I’m not saying that I hate you, (I’m not saying i like you either. Be clear!) I just – we should probably slow things down for a little while, you know? I’m just worried we’re getting too serious. I mean, all nights a week? You not even spearing Sunday now. It’s just – I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of commitment, you know? You probably know, I know. Plus, well, considering I work, I’m kinda missing out on my 20s.

I mean, do you even know the last time I was up to watch Saturday morning cartoons? Getting out at 4:00 AM, making it home by 5, who has the energy to wake up at 8 AM for Scooby-Doo reruns? That too during winters? It’s not fair, dammit. These are the prime years of my life and I’m, what, spending them working?!?!… actually, yeah, no, that sounds about right.
My bad.
Sincerely, Work-ably,
Sneha

I Wonder!

I wonder what it must be like to have no conscience, no guilt, no shame,
To not take responsibility for your actions but find someone/something else to blame.

To call it fun when you play with a person’s heart,
To have no emotion as you watch them fall apart.

Your love at first so hot soon turns very cold,
You smile as you remember all the lies you have told.

They soon learn that any feelings you show are all very fake,
There is always an ulterior motive for the reasons you lie and take.

You cause destruction in most, if not all, of the lives that you touch,
Then move on to the next victim you will soon use as a crutch.

People call you psychopath or predator because that is what you are,
Once you are done with a victim their life will be scar.

You will do or say anything to get what you want at that time,
Doesn’t matter if it is their heart, their soul or even their last dime.

Life to you is one big game with different players to con,
You will use them up and spit them out once you have had your fun and move on.

Their tears and heartache will fall on your deaf ears,
When you are gone they are devastated and may stay that way for years.

They should be smart and learn how to read the signs.
You count on the fact that they will give you the benefit of the doubt and be blind.

It is easy to spin your web of lies because they do not know the real you.
They do not realize that you are very shrewd in studying their weaknesses and the things they do.

That is how you know the best way to worm your way in,
If they decide to play the game, there is no way they will win.

They may try to outsmart you but their rules and yours are not the same,
They forget you have no emotion and that is how you win the game.

Yes, I wonder what it must be like to go through life this way,
Since I was stupid enough to let you in my life and regret it every day.