Too much keen Observations

Many of you might have heard the proverb, “A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma” made famous by Winston Churchill. Well, that has nothing to do with this. Why on land of Samurais, Monks and Saints people do dates desperate way. I have no idea why people in this “modern era” chooses a date in coffee shops or bars. No seriously, I have no clue why they do such things. And for what. And how. And why. Why not choose library or even take a casual walk on some unknown road. Do not misunderstood here thinking about zoo or any garden. Just a simple long walk with meaningless and full talks. Why choose cafe to meet and do make yourself awkward towards crowd or even for a person itself. To show off?! We’re having date or something. Isn’t it too disturbing to date a person whom you like less/more love in a crowdy disturbing place, in a inappropriate amount of attention one person gives to another and vice versa which both doesn’t deserves in the first/crowdy place. Observed some people so keen that I can conclude a sentence that two people might feel awkwardest on their own marriage stage. Even their own marriage stage and all make that two people so awkward, what kind of people are they living with. More importantly, what kind of world we are living in.

There would be nice people and then there would be people like I don’t know what categories they belong to. And for all that ‘To the girl who let the nice guy go’ , ‘To the guy who let the nice girl go’. “Why do even nice people choose the wrong people to date?” All one can say is “We accept the love we think we deserve”. Meet someone new. Exchange numbers. Late night conversations. Question answer games. Ask out. Dates. Lose interest. Meet someone new. Exchange numbers. Late night conversations… and this loop didn’t stop till the person wants… they know the drill all too well, don’t they?! Maybe humans need a new animal above them on the food-chain. Why one should date many to make sure he is the one. Why one should date many to make sure she is the one. Why in hurry of need for speed or I should say speed for need. Let’s face it. The new dating definition for this generation is not so available that people start taking for granted. Not so unavailable that people give up on. Most of people haven’t been in love and don’t even understand what it is. For them, it’s a game that they think they know very well.

Some care about material things more. We can take example here of our parents, they fight like anything but in the end if any third person disturbs them by saying anything to anyone of them their blood starts boiling. Because they stick with each other and only for each other. It is that hard for them to think about third person actually. I know that sounds so ancient but truth is always like an old wine. Today in this era, one would rather have a gadget than a partner. Some believe in the “Let’s-end-this-before-it-gets-started” technique. Because people don’t have enough time for love and when they do, “It’s not the right time.” Maybe a little more time will let the dust settle, and let them convey the situation more meaningfully. Meanwhile do not give up on anyone easily when you can fight more gracefully. As they say “Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.” More accurately they say, “if you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads. Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

Observation might feel so awkward how I observed him so objectively!

Be careful to notice one thing, I’m writing this in a groupy group behind me, A random person offering me to let them pay for my coffee by saying the feeling of snehs won’t let me get her out of my mind ever. (Since I’ve no clue how they know my name in the first place) offer got rejected by saying I’m my own (The day is not far when a person is defined by how s/he treats someone once s/he says “NO” to him/her), meanwhile I’m dating myself with my laptop and cold coffee, Sun is doing his job as best as he can, a hush-hush of crowd all around me, A cute unknown kid and I are passing smiles without any reason, and right in the corner the two people are having their date. May be like “Doing masters and still bachelor or spinster (bachelorette)” (What?!) I noticed this thing last, If I’ve had noticed thing first it’d be different topic from what you just read. Not to forget pieces on how it’s easier and worthier to plagiarize this post than meaningful project, even a stupid tweet.

P.S.: I’ve no idea how such stupid topics comes in my mind also I have no (any) dating experience, expect I’m dating myself since I was born. I’m not even qualified to write about this topic. And No, this blog is not “girly”. AT ALL.

Remember, that proverb? Yes, that is how it goes… Although you have known some person for some time, you still have not been able to completely understand him/her. The case is more difficult than proverb in the female cases. Just trust me on this. Feel free to judge and read it again 😉

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Cli-mate Change and Childhood Cold

It’s that time of the weather when ice cream and popsicles mean a lot to our throat. The life savers in Summers! Just observing these kids in neighbourhood from a week now. The little kids are enjoying their childhood as those days when the icecreamwallas meant much more than anything.

The icecreamwallas arrive in neighbourhood with his box of ice cream rolling on small wheels accompanied by a ringing bell. His entry wasn’t as ordinary as it seemed to adult eyes. He was the star of the summer afternoon as kids would encircle him. His tiny customers didn’t know how to maintain decorum because some things were much more important than discipline. It is a matter of taste and (almost) crisis: Kids squabbling about one flavour over another was routine for a reason. Just like grown-ups silently wonder what to order at a restaurants, hotels, cafes.

One mini-sized heroine happened to be of the silent type so the noise wouldn’t make much of a difference to her choice. She knew what she wanted… for the most part, that is. She wasn’t fond of milk so white was out of question. She had tried orange a few days ago so it was not going to be orange again. She liked the plumy coloured one but she wasn’t really sure whether it’d be worth the bet. What if it disappointed her the way pomegranate disappointed her as a fruit? She couldn’t go back and demand another one, what a universal dilemma in small mind? The parental quota was restricted to just one. So chocolate flavour it’d be usually followed by her cute young triangular smug-face. Chocolate flavour has always a class in childhood. Isn’t it?!
Things you want to do, not just observe!

Exact direction please!

Hospitality in hospitalFinding your way around any Hospital isn’t terribly easy. Hates word easy and simple. They just not that easy or simple in any case. That’s just seems like any heart beats. Left and right and up and down and east and west and north and south and almost all direction. “hell yeah!” is the opposite of “heavens no!”, which gives you an indication of which side is more fun. Hospital is where you can’t say excuse me, do you have a minute to talk about living on a prayer? Also, don’t tell me you’re lost because of missing the direction at least you got missing direction. I’m just in the center. Center of attraction?! But lost in the round. Directionless? Well, that’s the hospitality of the hospital.

Deadly thoughts – The Sense of an Ending

I’m going to write things down for the sake of writing this. That way in a few hundred years when no one uses paper and they find my work they’ll think I was great. What if I’m dead, first thing first nothing will change. Absolutely nothing. Except few changes. There they goes. The first change will be noticed on my Twitter timeline! There won’t be any updates about what I’m thinking. The timeline will just pause. It won’t move ahead, just like that. No more sharing of stupid ideas passed off as wisdom or office-bashing lines or Just Saying tweets or (tech) news related links. Secondly my Facebook page will face the same calamity. I don’t know how my friends will react to this (since and currently I’ve none) because they will be having no idea that I’m in hell waiting for them!

About my virtual world and friends, maybe they will be left in the ignorance as there won’t be any worldwide networking of the news of my departure. It would be as silent as it was before I entered the Internet age and found myself a comfortable space among these people. But then, I guess and think they’ll give up on me. My Internet pals from world wide won’t come looking for me in Ahmedabad once I stopped tweeting or social networking! I guess Internet (could and) has been a super-duper success for anybody. Having a voice on Internet and don’t care whether it’s heard or not! Having a voice is what important. I don’t think anything comes close to the kind of passion having for “virtual world” which in fact, seems more genuine than the real world I breathe in.

I also wonder about the kind of effort I put in on updating my Twitter 140 space, Facebook profile. I mean, no one will do that for me once I’m gone. Thanks to Mr. Mark he gave me an option now! I also worry about my Twitter handle, I mean, who will take care of that?! “Oh my God, I searched for you on sites and you were GONE” mails are awaiting to some one see it. And also what will happen to this forsaken blog which is overwhelmingly forgettable, at the best! Basically, this is just another techie, geek kid who worry about what would happen when she leave the world as if it going to be stop after she left it.

I might be too young to comment on issues such as life & death on blog but from whatever books that I’ve reads, movies that I’ve seen and stories that I’ve heard one thing is for sure, nothing is predictable. Not even an internet era. We can’t treat life like a gift because gifts are always smothered and rendered useless.

However I know the fact, these are all speculations but it’s worthy. I don’t count my family or relatives here. They are the people who will arrange my funeral. But it’s still OK to rot too, right?! That’s due to the fact that they are not as dysfunctional as I would like them to be. You have to be on either end of the extremes to be mentioned in my blog! So they better be left out of my foretasted death scenario or something.

Last wish might be someone will vanish my presence from here too. On the other side, I just love life on Twitter, Facebook and here, not to mention several other sites where I regularly contribute my time. I’m an Internet addict, if that’s what you are pondering as of now and I wish to be this way till the sanity (or death…whichever comes first) takes over!

What’s next?

All of a sudden, some thoughts just visited mind and before they ditch me, its better I type them down; in no particular order.

Are you experiencing a kind of emptiness in your life? A kind of void space? The feeling of being the inspiration behind Aryabhatta’s discovery of zero! Like the whole world is moving with the speed of a Ferrari and your still stuck in the old, out of stock Maruti 400 that too in white color. Even every other girl or a guy roaming with their so called ‘soul mates’, and you still single or finding love in those typical, mainstream Rom-cons. If this was not enough, even the dumbest, ‘good for nothing’ creature in your arena starts looking like a C grade movie star. (But at least they have their own specific fan club!) Witnessing the buzz, the leisure and the glamorous life, and you doing nothing but sulk in your little mediocrity.

Being under the radar of every other elder in your family and neighbourhood’s aunties and uncles, trying to teach you sense out of their demeaning, not so important, never stopping time consuming talks, never-ending lectures. And necessarily only visiting your houses either for having the result-loaded laddoos or for the uninvited birthday treats or for the congratulating your parents on the stupidest thing. No block seems to fit in the already been solved puzzle. Like even the unanimated, immobile creature on the puzzle is laughing back at you. And you shouting, screaming, crying out loud at yourself… Oh god why me?!

Then you hear the voice which usually mentally challenged people used to do,

“Knock Knock…!”

“Who’s there?”

The other side replies with a devious little smile, “Oh you so don’t want to know…”

“I am the last proxy to your attendance, the final receipt to your canteen bill, the never again seen red marks on your answer sheet, the one who will take away your bunkers point, your last minute presentation making skills, the casual hie-five’s and not to forget the reason for the reduced trolls in gallery, the one who too weak to raise a good point, the one who sees blind people have beautiful eyes, and the one who only respond to those who are relevant to your rubbish! Well, I am your and only yours, stupid s-o-u-l! And yes, please carry on what’s in your mind?!”

“Actually, it really is that time when you see new humans around you weather it is in your college campus or even in your own world. No matter how you become WWE’s umpire during your skype when your friends starts criminal fight. When you see the newbies, just arrived first years’, you ask yourself ‘what have I done in the past years? I did have a plan right! Then what happened to that plan?’ And the answer to that is the plan got lost somewhere, while you were busy making memories with a bunch of so called idiots. And now these idiots seem to have become your life. The nothingness created with them in your lives is only thing that really matters.”

“Hey hey, what’s the matter be specific.”

“Trying to repair the damage and mend the little pieces they find in their way. Everyone is trying to roll on with their life, not knowing where it is leading them. Pretending to be sorted and painting a fake laugh at those seeming equally screwed. Taking these few days with sport and not letting the teary eyes flood. But what after this…. in which direction is your boat sailing to? Are you ready to step into the real world? To experience all those emotions instead of just sending them, to be the YouTube video and not the one increasing the views, to step out of that parental protective shield, to be this, to be that and what not! So I’m still a student of what’s next. Seriously, what next? No one really knows the answer. Although these little stunts might drool you over for some time, but the question still remains there itself… What’s Next? Do you know?”

“NO.” And that unknown voice goes where it belongs.

I seriously need purpose to live not just this stupidity. Irony is I’m posting this on the stupidest day in a year.

To those who think, I need to see a doctor. No, I don’t. I’ve seen more than enough of them. They are generally unkind, immensely capitalistic with minimum patience for what you’ve got to say about their patient’s stupid feelings or I should say never ending emojis. In fact, I should visit a shrink for my emotional problems but I won’t.  No, the point ain’t that I’m boring. The point is you’re yet to get used to it. Something is wrong with you. Not me. Okay. Be happy. With me too!

Untitled Natural: UN-thing

At an Orphanage Home and Old age home I found out that be happy whatever you get, no matter whatever it is at least you’re with your family and friends. Yes, these F words are far important than that one you’re thinking about.

Old age home and Orphanage home. What a strange distance relation words.
One for old wine and other for the fresh one.
One for old soul and other for the fresh one.
One for old blood and other for the fresh one. Oh, I don’t want to this so poetic. The lesson which I learned. And you could too!

When I was doing stuff on my laptop… Here goes, the conversation between me and them (that could open your eyes!):

An old couple: So what are you doing on that?
Me: Nothing. Just want to find something.
A Kid: You mean anything?
Me: Yes…
An old couple: Then wait, can you find a son or daughter on that?
A Kid: Can you please find good parents on that?

I was almost speechless after hearing that. I realized something on that exact moment. Don’t know what. But I actually do. I came home and I apologize to the parents for the fight we had last night. Not having my fault though. Some(many)times you have to say sorry or give up on the person (even on parents, friends!) so that you just don’t lose their believe, relation, trust, faith (many heavy words)… and what not; for the sake of arguments.

On a serious note: One more reason to hate you Google. I’d love you if you find this problem’s solution.

NO to blogging?

The trouble with maintaining a not that active blog is the need to write not that inactive post. Maintaining a blog has got its share of problems too. And trust me, its far more difficult than it seems. Needless to say, much of the blame must squarely rest on procrastination. If you happen to read my blogs regularly, you’ll notice me notice two things: One, you readers are in the minority and two, I’ve been writing about anything for a change, recently. The reason could be anything from different and lack of perception to laziness. But trust me, I enjoy doing so! Also, you realize you are not the same person you used to be when it comes to writing subsequent paragraphs.

I find it really hard to sit down and write a post and update it on a periodic basis. And the biggest problem is updating it regularly. I can’t even update and take my self seriously in the morning how can i do this thing called blogging seriously. Also it’s a funniest feeling to have thousands of ideas and wishing to write a piece on it as soon as possible but going blank as soon as you punch the keys down.

One more thing, I don’t understand why I bother to blog. I mean, I hardly have any attachment left with this thing. It’s a stupid blog after all. No one cares. Not even me. For a long while I was the only one who was reading my blog and now I’ve got some more people or so who at least have blog rolled me (out of sympathy, empathy it is!) but am pretty sure that they are happy that I don’t update my nonsensical posts!

Apparently, you are not at all excited about your post the way you were once upon a time. Not anymore.

Right now, the most important thing in life is focus on something important and idiotically I’m tweeting stupid thoughts and concerns on my timeline. Amazing. I wish I was passionate about blogging too. I don’t know what kind of creative creature I’m. Like I once read somewhere that Ruskin Bond dedicates certain part of his day to writing and nothing else and I started wondering how does he do that and that too on a daily basis. Maybe that’s why he’s a writer and I’m nothing! Heard about Khushwant Singh’s age-defying touch with pen the guy was 99 and never fails to write what he feels strongly about. And I’m young enough and still can’t able to think properly. My point is, why am I not doing something which could have been profession as some people said already. Don’t worry, I don’t know either.

Suddenly, you find yourself in a 140 character fix. In the Twitter era, you are busy scribbling one liners that sound funny enough to you, not with standing the fact that your followers are either sympathizing with your nonsense of humor or planning to kill you or silently cursing you. Oh yes, these are blatant excuses for not keeping up with laziness. If only you were a bit organized and a little less with balance, you wouldn’t have suffered of typing this useless piece. There are always hundreds of ideas in mind about what to write on but unlike before, you now don’t care to work on it. And you are failing to explore your writing skills.

Anyways, never mind these are my personal views about myself but I am glad that I was able to write a new post about it. So job well done for me. Unfortunately, can’t say the same about you reading this thing. Better luck next time, if at all, it happens. Trust me. It will. On a side note, I had a job to do. I had to update my blog. You see? I’m running out of ideas.

Memories

You know it’s time to write a blog post when you start typing random things and keep on deleting them. Today was one of those days. So, here I am. Okay nothing just stupidity here. If you don’t have occupied your time somewhere. Yeah then, you’re welcome to join me and my not-at-all-writing skills.

I was in this extremely boring wedding today so I was doing all sorts of shit to keep myself occupied. And entertained. Seriously hat’s off for the women who wears saaris and handle themselves smoothly. Of course I’ve received some good compliments for it. But it just not my cup of coffee. Handled myself very I was eating paneer tikka with noodles and I was mixing orange juice with tomato soup and seeing how kids are maintaining this social occasion with their parents’ never ending warnings and I was talking to the waiters and I was observing (yeah. As usual). I saw 14 years old were dancing, 18 years old were thinking about dancing and 35 years olds were breaking the stage with their devastating moves.

Also, I saw everyone clicking pictures with their fancy cameras while all this was happening. 70 year old grandparents were asked to put the tilak once again because somehow the photographers couldn’t capture the moment well enough the first time. And the grandparents were doing it too, with smiles, big fake ones. Kids were clicking pictures with the mobile of their parents’ mobile phones. Their parents had professional cameras. The professional photographers had the more professional ones. It was a circus. A complete circus. It seemed like the wedding was happening only for the photographs. They were capturing memories so that they could relive it. Relive, ah! To relive, you got to live first. Two blacks make white, two wrongs make right.

It’s funny how most of the memories of our lives depend upon a small piece of plastic and techie technology. If there were no cameras, I bet it would’ve been difficult recognizing ourselves in our childhood pictures because there wouldn’t have been any childhood pictures. If we think about it, we have invented things so that our minds don’t have to remember shit. No memories of your past? Invent a camera. Can’t remember data?
Invent a computer. Can’t remember meetings? Invent reminders. Can’t calculate?
Well don’t worry dear mind, calculators are there. And thus, our minds started getting less occupied.

And what do you do when you don’t have anything in your mind? You invent. You invent more useless shit to comfort your lives. For a fact, my family never had a camera. We never bothered to buy one. I don’t have a reason to get embarrassed. There are no pictures of my parents having fun with me. Because we’re actually enjoying it without the worry one should capture them instead we’ve had enjoy for real. And what’s the point anyway? You aren’t going to forget who you are or who your brother was or who your parents are! I never understood this whole thing but I’m no one to claim that it’s bullshit. Until today, I never gave cameras much of a thought.

I always knew, I got to buy one someday. I always wanted to. But now, I don’t think we really need a camera. I mean we do remember stuff. If we can’t, then the stuff was probably not worth remembering. The whole thing of smiling and crying and smiling again after seeing the old photographs looks somewhat odd and ridiculous. I might never buy a camera. I don’t want to capture my kids’ childhood. I don’t want to cry looking at the photographs when they would go away to earn or to study. I don’t want that shit. I don’t give a shit about what toys my girl played with when she was small. And I bet on my life, she wouldn’t give a shit either when she would be twenty. Capturing a picture of your girl playing with those toys and reminding her twenty years later about how you cared about her says a lot about you.

Well, I certainly won’t need validation from my kids. Also, I’m not saying that people do these things for validation. They might not. It might just be their thing to look at the old photographs and cry. Anyway, so when the wedding got over, we handed the envelope to the groom and got ourselves clicked, for one last time. We were getting ready to go back home.

One strange thing happened I think it waited for a long to happen. My parents saw this one woman trying to have a conversation with her little girl. The girl was around 10 and she was probably going back home from her school. It probably wasn’t a good day in the school as she looked upset. The sight was beautiful as her mom and dad was making faces, playing with her and what not, just to make their girl smile. Seeing this, my mom started crying. Some memories flashed in her mind, maybe. Memories. I wish there were a device to delete the memories instead of capturing them.

Point to be noted: I never accepted the fact that I was depressed until I met my psych.
so if you think you are in depression, go to a psych, start your medication, take them until you realize it’s a big trap and then come here and read this blog post again and blame your so-called mind for not taking this post seriously before. And get depressed again.
If you aren’t happy, don’t worry, no one is.

Hidden humans

Humans have this tendency to occupy things, to capture them, to keep them safe, to never share them. As the times have passed, these things have transformed into emotions. I was fascinated yet shocked by the realization that I don’t want to share my thoughts. I am scared of sharing the characters developed by me. Scared of validation? Maybe. Maybe something else. Maybe nothing there in the first place. I just don’t know it yet.

Maybe because they aren’t ready to come out yet. Or maybe because I am not strong enough to let them go. Once they are out, they can’t be with me. They will become a part of this world. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads them or not, loves them or not, but they won’t be the same for me, ever again. Amazing how we can become possessive about the smallest of the things or thoughts, but can let go our careers, our love, or even our freedom.

One thing is for sure, people who say that they aren’t insecure and that they don’t have any thing which they fear of losing, they are freaking kidding themselves. They’re lying with there self esteem. Even the smallest of the thoughts which we don’t share can become one of the biggest reasons behind the decisions which can change our lives forever. Never underestimate your emotions. Stolid is just a word. Stolid people don’t exist. It’s a theory by introverts-cum-ambivert to keep extroverts away.

Trust me, imagination is a bloody brilliant thing, and we should use it often. whether cows can get lung cancer by the smoke from your cigarette. Just go out and walk around and sit on that park’s bench and watch the oldies laughing and think how scared they actually are of dying.

The gentleman saw me smiling when all this was happening. After half an hour he came to me and told, “People will always judge your story, but they will never tell theirs, because they fear of being judged. Never in your life judge anyone before having the courage to tell your story to this world.” Of course all of this was in Hindi, and of course the guy was too drunk, but to think about it, he was right. No matter how bad your story is, or how weird your characters are, if you can have the courage to share them, you are doing at least one thing right. It’s not about how to share, or with whom to share, it’s just… Share.

I don’t have a any idea why I wrote this post, but you know what, it feels good. Pretty damn good.

Randomness

You know you’ve grown up when you start laughing at the random absurdities of life instead of frowning upon them. When you start anticipating weirdest of the shit to happen with you at the weirdest of the times, you realize how life has been messing up your plans since forever. Sometimes it’s suffocating, sometimes it’s hysterical and the rest of the times it’s just plain nothing. Nothing at all.

An abyss in which your choices echo till you scream your lungs out. An infinite in which you are falling relentlessly, opposing every force of this universe. A life which is a rock bottom in itself, and it keeps hitting you, till you feel numb. And sort of dumb. And then one fine morning, when you wake up from your slumber, you realize you’ve never actually slept. The years have gone by in front of your eyes, and you’ve let them pass. You have seen them passing and you remember every year, every month, every day, every minute and every second, every micro second, passing in front of your eyes; eyes which were wide open, dreaming about something which never existed in the first place.

You keep telling yourself lies until they become an integral part of you. You become the part of the world which you’ve created for yourself, and the strange thing is, you feel suffocated. In your own god-damn world. The reality acts as an oxygen mask, you’re in his ICU and no matter how much you hate it, you can never dare to remove it. You actually start seeing the pattern, you start predicting things, you predict them correctly nine out of ten times. And you know why you fail the tenth time? Because a small part of you still expect things to be how you want them to be. And when this tenth time gets repeated a thousand times, you realize the randomness.

You start being one of them. You stop being you, you become them. You become a particle. You become the randomness.