Get, set, matchless win

This is just another needless but needed attempt at winning a staring contest with a blank page and space.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
And guess what? I won. And I don’t mind if you join.

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Connecting people!

Last night, group of my classmates-turned-so-called-brand-new-friends asked me what makes me happy. This was before they answered the question for themselves. One said something about visiting and connecting every countryside while second said something about getting recognition for his work by people third said his whole never-ending to do list. Another said to connect with more people as fast as one can. In my defense, I said I love talking to people. It may sound unbelievable, I do love talking to people. But I’ve noticed that my level of communication drops as soon as I get familiar with a given person. Maybe I bore people faster than the speed of light.

My finest interactions and conversations have taken place with random strangers whom i meet and then never meet again. With certain surety to not meet and bore each other (if next time you and we got chance to meet!) like we’re doing together right now. The absence of baggage on how I’d behave or talk like or whatever with such people is such a relief. It is. I guess that makes me happy more than any-no-thing.

Related note: A friend once told me that we are here to leave behind witnesses that we were here. Strangers matters. Such Motivation, Much Inspiration. In that sense, I think i’m just happy collecting and connecting with more and more witnesses who don’t really matter but still do. As each and every one of you too!

Sip of moments

One of those days when you want to just sit near your window and balcony with a cup of coffee and contemplate about your life.

When you want to just get over all your regrets and start things all over again, no matter how ugly your past was or how destructive your present is.

When you want to answer all the questions that you procrastinated upon earlier in the hope of getting answers as the time passes by.

When instead of doubting your abilities you take pride in them.

When you sit calmly with a clear mind and re think your goals.

When you ask yourself if not now then when?

When you give yourself the second chance that you deserve.

When you look at the trees and think how beautiful everything is and how it’s just the perspective that matters.

When you realize it’s never too late to start things all over again. And the perfect time to do that would be right at this moment. Now.

When you take the last sip of tea with a whole new perspective.

When you start being yourself.

One of those days. Such days don’t come often. Don’t miss out on them. Collect the inspiration, put some dedication, make your own tea. Life isn’t short. It’s damn long. Long enough to live every moments of it. And you deserve to live it with all the happiness. The unexamined life is not worth living. Actually, it is.

P.S.: I’ve never written this confusing for a while. Till then live with confusion. It’s damn curious feeling.

Farewell, not so well

Let’s just forget that we are just a freaking dot in this vast Universe. And continue. How can one possibly able to do justice with all those memories lived, just by writing one blog post? I would dare not. Hence, nothing of this is about college. Heh?!

Few more months and everyone will get busy with their own lives, own jobs, own careers. Sure everyone would promise to stay in touch but let’s be honest here, we all know how that would turn out to be. You want a quick proof? Just count the number of school friends that you are in touch with now? This is just another phase which gets repeated every year, only with different people. (Hope, the friends we made during this time will last longer through out the life)  We are growing up. All together. We are getting ready to face the world outside the door. We are becoming one of them. We are tying our shoelaces to go out there and find ourselves in the crowd.

All things happening way too fast. Some will survive. Rest will become particles. Particles which will ultimately reach the shore; not sooner, later. But isn’t the race all about to reach there faster? To earn more? To spend more? To become the king and queen of our own little king-queen-dom?  I have always been the one with a perspective different from that of the society. I always wanted to follow my passion (not that I know what’s my passion as of now).

I was one of those who had a dream to dream a dream which no one has ever dreamt before. And look at where I am now? (not that (even any school buddies) any of you know where I am now but I am using this sentence as a rhetoric to convey I am doing nothing great which was quite obvious yet I explained in this different font). I am not being pessimistic, just being honest. Brutally honest. If nailing one exam or getting a good job defines you and your status in the society, then brother and sister, that society is not worth living for.

My search for passion hasn’t stopped yet. It has just faded away. And I don’t even know why. Actually, I do. But I don’t want to admit. I don’t know how you are supposed to deal with such stuff. I’ve never been good at it. At times, I feel numb. At times, I explode. At times, I feel helpless, I feel miserable. At times, I pity myself. And at times, I don’t want to live. There’s a limit to everything. If this is life’s way of teaching lessons, I don’t want to be the student anymore. You’re beautiful. I’m beautiful. But truth is ugly.

Dear random specific reader who texted me about no new posts,

Sorry I couldn’t write from few days. I was a little (too) busy, (Or maybe if you know I have a life to handle seriously!) oh I don’t know, driving across the country! So please accept my sincerest apologies that you didn’t have one of my oh-so-stupid five sentence rants to read from few days. I’ll do my best to never fail you like that again.
In between the driving and the not-writing or the drinking (only water) and catching up with old friends my hometown and the not-writing, I don’t know how I could betray you like that by not writing one of these posts. Unfortunately, that’s all I can give right now.
Your so-called-writer,
Sneha

P.S.: Oh yeah… most of my stuff is still in storage in Ahmedabad if anyone wants to drive down and visit me with most of my earthly possessions? I don’t hate that plan, either.

Dear Dad,

Firstly, I’m going to start with “I Love you”. And when I say that I really mean that. Now, look, I know it’s been awhile, but I have a kind of personal question to ask you. Last night, I had a dream that you and my teacher from middle school – well, you guys ate me. Not, like, “zombie style” or “ghost style” ate me, but “baked me at 360 degrees until golden brown” ate me. Weird? Isn’t it? It is. But since i dreamt it. I’m scared now. We’ve to make this clear now.
I just wanted to check… that was – that was, like, a dream, right? Not a premonition? because I know we’ve had disagreements before, but I don’t think anybody has solved their problems by eating their offspring before. I mean, just look at how it worked out for ruler of heaven and earth – Zeus.
Your only daughter, please look into my matter,
Sneha

Dear cousins,

It had been awhile. You know how it is, with a family like ours. It’s hard to get everyone together at once. That’s probably my biggest regret, how long it’d been since we saw each other last. Since we met each other last. Honestly, it’s hard for me to write a letter like this. I remember after a friend of mine said, the grief counsellor recommended you write a letter to the person. Well, you guessed it, I’m not that religious girl so the exercise seemed kind of pointless to me, but I gave it a shot then and it doesn’t hurt to try again, right?

I guess the main thing I wanted to say was thank you. It’s always disheartening that such terrible things happen to bring out the good in people, but it’s always amazing to me when they do. My mom? When she called to tell me the news, I knew it wasn’t good because I could hear her sniffling. The number of years old and I’d never seen or even heard my mother cry. We were always one of those ordinary people emotionally repressed kind of families and it worked for us. Later that night, I saw my brother was calling. Again, not close, but mainly because we don’t know how to talk to each other, not some childhood resentment, memories or anything. When I picked up the phone, he simply told me, “I just heard the news about you all and I wanted to tell you while I still can that I love and care about you.” I was taken aback. This is the same guy who used to pin me down with his knees and twist my hands till I was almost in tears.

Honestly, I didn’t really know what to say, so I tried saying it back. Like I said, not a big fan of feelings or talking about them, so the word “love” kind of caught in my throat, but eventually, I got it. I’m so sorry that your father no longer with us, but what you were able to accomplish for those you left behind in your father’s death? It’s nothing short of a miracle, so thank you for that. I will be going to that brave to meet you and I have no idea what I will say when I’ll meet you. I mean, I don’t know if I should crack jokes to lighten up the mood or if i should show my sympathy-cum-empathy to make him feel awkward. I don’t know how I’d feel about it. Hoping that it wouldn’t be more awkward than this write up.
Sorry we’re not that close but my condolences with you,
Sneha

Dear Black Coffee,

Why? Why do you do this to me? Did i behave with you like resist any day? No. Why do you hurt me so much when all I want to do is love you? Forget the fact that you’ve never registered as more than a drunk craving to me. I feel like drunk without any alcohol. Forget that I always seem to regret our time together. I gave you my all attention while i’m with you. It was good while it lasted…. then comes the day after.

I mean, did I mean nothing to you? Then why do you do this to me?! I’ll admit our relationship is less than perfect, but there’s no excuse that can justify the pure liquid evil being expelled from my body after our time together. It’s really nice to have the same rights that everyone else does, even if I don’t think it was any of your business to rule on in the first place,  but I’m glad it finally worked in my favor, how about that? But amidst all the celebrating yesterday, I got this weird vibe that everybody thought that we were done. You’ve been warned. Before. I know I’ve said this before, but I mean it this time.
We’re over.
Your Ex-lover,
Sneha

Dear Self,

Stop thinking at this hour. It hurts the next day.
I love you. You know I love you. Still, even love has its limits.

…well,
ME

P.S.: When our kids ask about how You/I proposed, this is going to make such a cute story!
P.P.S.: Yeah, I’ve pretty much embraced the crazy ME now… please don’t tell anyone I posted this on blog.

Dear Doctor,

Hi, how’s it going?
Fine?!
Oh, really? Already?
You know, it’s not often that I get in a room and have someone ask me those two questions in less than 5 minutes. Actually, you know, that’s not true… I’m here for a reason and you have to hear that reason. That’s what your business right? But i swear the way you hit eye drops in my eyes I’m all like “I’ll end your medical insurance real soon.” No offense at all doc. But that’s kind of my true feelings when you ask me “Is it feeling cool in eyes?” its not the the hell at all feeling cool in my eyes ever. My eyes were felt like burning doc. Please use some real cool method with me. And i’ll might tell those two words genuinely “thank you”. I’m sorry, these eye tests make me nervous, even though I know I have nothing to worry about, and when I get nervous I tend to ramble. Man, is it bright in here? I guess I’m just used to dressing in the dark for, well, you know… obvious reasons. I mean, it’s not like two humans need the extra lighting to help us know what we’re doing, you know? Kind of only one option for us, when it comes to eye… did I mention that you make me incredibly nervous and when I get nervous, I ramble and sometimes volunteer inappropriate information?

Okay, yeah, I’ll just be quiet and let you do your thing. Let me know if you need me to turn my head and even life or something.
Your patient with discipline,
Sneha

Dear Random Dude,

We knew each other once… I have no doubt that we knew each other once. In fact, it was probably during my – well, my least than proud days. But the fact of the matter is, things have changed. Now. I’m not that Girl desperate for attention from any dude. Don’t get me wrong, you isn’t entirely dead, but – well, let me clear things for you. Just updated my standards and class high. Match my standards or stay ignored. Fair deal. It is.

I go to sleep one night, only to wake up to a profile I don’t recognize and a – well, it was a graphic picture on a site. Not only is it too early for that shit, but… seriously? No words in the text message. Just the horrific image. Even though you’re dude or something, not exactly the most appealing part of the anatomy. I mean, honestly, has sending pathetic text with stupidity ever worked for you? Because it ain’t working for me. Please loose my blog links.
Mind it. Still disciplined Sincere,
Sneha

Dear Bank Manager,

While I appreciate your feigned interest in “what brought me to Ahmedabad” and “how I’m liking it so far, “it’s getting really hard to continue this small conversation. See, I’m what you call an Introvert-cum-Ambivert. While the base definition is, “someone who gets their energy from time spent alone or in small groups,” there are plenty of quirks that add to the definition.
One such quirk is, I don’t share this fascination with small talk/conversation that you do. I’d rather engage in a meaningful and honest way for 10 minutes than exchange pleasantries and beat around the bush for 20. So please, let’s just deal with the information you need from me, so I can go back to my house and watch some new seasons with my soul. This whole “social niceties” thing is getting old.
Apply and use some technology dude.
Not that bankery but still Sincerely,
Sneha

Dear random pet animals,

I’d like to take the opportunity to apologize for your human. We aren’t all like that. See, if there’s one thing that I cannot (Under/Over) stand, it is irresponsible pet ownership. Naturally, you’re a puppy so it’s understandable that you’ll have an accident here and there. I’m not thrilled with it, but I understand it. Plus, given that your human only takes you out, roughly twice a day? Yeah, bladder control could be an issue. You deserve better than that. Hell, any canine does. So please, don’t hate us all because you got stuck with one of the bad ones.
Lastly, I kind of love when I call your name and you come around.
Sincerely, social human animal,
Sneha

Dear Spider,

Damn, you live in my room without letting me even know? That’s just not fair dude. You’ve to pay rent to me for let-me-save-your-home. I even take few amount of rent from group of ants near your residency. Ask them? I may give you some discounts since you’re alone member. Does that seem fair? Have your lawyer look over the agreement and get back to me.
What no?!

See, I know we’ve been through some rough times (mainly that “some” time when I tried to crush you, but evidently I didn’t press hard enough because you totally crawled off when I lifted my book shelf) but I just want to put those times behind us. I mean, I think we both said some things we didn’t mean. Like, when I called you disgusting, all I meant was you’re… an acquired taste. Just like I’m sure you didn’t mean it when you, you know, existed. All I’m saying is, try not to hold a grudge. I don’t like to crush you because one day you might be made me Spiderwoman or something. And now, I think we could both benefit from putting this behind us.

Plus, if I die under suspicious circumstances, everyone will know that it was your fault… or the myriad of other people who probably want me dead…
This place is mine, so as my rules,
Sneha

Dear random Guy,

Nothing just absolutely nothing. Just listen what i’m saying. And i’m ready to listen what you’re saying. I know we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs since we’ve known each other. I know neither one of us is quick to trust or communicate our feelings. But I also know that if I could do anything (and I (did not) mean anything) all I want to do is fix you. You’re not broken, but life hasn’t always been kind to you. Kind to me neither. You’re not great with trust because no one has given you a reason to trust. I’d like to be that reason. I know these are just words so it might not count for much, but it’s pretty good enough all I’ve got. I kind of love you. Friendly.
Might be your crush-ly,
Sneha

Dear friendy friends,

Let me start by saying, thank you. Of course for nothing.

Note 1:
I will thank you for our victory yesterday and your just ruling, but if you think I’m going to shut up now just because I got what I want? Well, you’re dead wrong. I fought a losing battle, and hard, but I’ve never called myself an activist. When you finally did chime in, it was to tell everyone to calm down. Honestly, if you don’t have it in you to fight for others’ rights, I don’t know what to call you. You may call yourself an activist, but to me, an activist is supposed to stand for what’s right, not just what’s right for them. So I’m going to leave you with the words I always hated to hear as a kid.

Note 2:
Do you remember school mathematics? I mean, it was a while ago, but I remember school mathematics. Specifically, I’m talking about ratios, circles. Remember ratios? Remember circles? Well, let’s talk about the circle of earth to, well – not earth… i’m not sure what to call other pieces. Okay let’s talk about the ratio of marshmallows to, well – not marshmallows… again not sure what to call those other pieces. All I’m saying is, the marshmallows are always super heavy when you first open the box, then by the bottom of the box? Or earth is super heavy when you first turn it on your table and thinking why it can’t turn at this speed?
Nothing. I got nothing. No Hearts, Stars, Moons, Suns, horse-shoes. No clovers or blue moons. No pots of gold or rainbows or red balloons. Not cool, friends. You know I don’t even like the marshmallows! But most importantly, I’m still angry. I’m still angry enough to want something better. That is messed up, my friends. Messed up.
Two note are enough ? Or else I should have capacity write millions. Again, just a thought but don’t rule it out too quickly…  I’m not mad, ‘Activist’ Friends. I’m just disappointed.
Just thought you should know…
Your loving friend here,
Sneha

P.S.: Pretty sure this is the conversation we would have if I wasn’t too afraid to talk to any of you… I’m that alive. I’m that bored.

I Wonder!

I wonder what it must be like to have no conscience, no guilt, no shame,
To not take responsibility for your actions but find someone/something else to blame.

To call it fun when you play with a person’s heart,
To have no emotion as you watch them fall apart.

Your love at first so hot soon turns very cold,
You smile as you remember all the lies you have told.

They soon learn that any feelings you show are all very fake,
There is always an ulterior motive for the reasons you lie and take.

You cause destruction in most, if not all, of the lives that you touch,
Then move on to the next victim you will soon use as a crutch.

People call you psychopath or predator because that is what you are,
Once you are done with a victim their life will be scar.

You will do or say anything to get what you want at that time,
Doesn’t matter if it is their heart, their soul or even their last dime.

Life to you is one big game with different players to con,
You will use them up and spit them out once you have had your fun and move on.

Their tears and heartache will fall on your deaf ears,
When you are gone they are devastated and may stay that way for years.

They should be smart and learn how to read the signs.
You count on the fact that they will give you the benefit of the doubt and be blind.

It is easy to spin your web of lies because they do not know the real you.
They do not realize that you are very shrewd in studying their weaknesses and the things they do.

That is how you know the best way to worm your way in,
If they decide to play the game, there is no way they will win.

They may try to outsmart you but their rules and yours are not the same,
They forget you have no emotion and that is how you win the game.

Yes, I wonder what it must be like to go through life this way,
Since I was stupid enough to let you in my life and regret it every day.